The slow stitch of time

A week with my adult children – and the small impacts I didn’t know I’d had…

Ok so I’m still playing catch-up. We’re rewinding to the Easter weekend today and a story that I’ve been dying to tell you, I’ve had to bide my time and now it’s here. For those of you who come for the clothes there isn’t much to show you today – but for those who come for the meandering midlife tales there’s more.

Kirkegaard said that “life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards” and today’s post is the very example of that. It shows the quiet, unwitting influences that parents have on their children’s lives. And it’s a reassuring reminder that they take you into the future; even after you’re long gone, the impact you’ve had that’s shaped their choices will continue to live on.

It’s a pot of tea/big glass of wine post because there’s a lot to say. Where to start? 1984 when I fell in love with Spain? 2008 when the youngest fell in love with Tolkien? 2014 when I started writing this blog? 2018 when I had a conversation with a reader on Instagram? 2024 when the middle one decided that he, too, wanted to live in Spain? 2025 when the eldest fell in love? 2026 when I bought a book? You see all of those little moments were bound into our Easter week. Sometimes life really is a tapestry and the years of tiny stitches that you’ve put into it all come together in a place and a moment. Let’s see if I can weave if all together.

You already know the backstory which is the furthest point I can date this back to – about how in 1984 I lived in Valencia as part of my university year abroad. It was the interesting period of Spain emerging from the Franco years and for me, in my early 20s, it opened my mind to a world that was so much bigger than my provincial roots. Spain and now Latin America are key passions of mine, they’re part of what makes me ‘me’ – and I’ve always told my boys what a big impact living there had on me. So I was quietly thrilled when both of my younger two showed an affinity for Spanish. The youngest to a high degree as you know, but also the middle one who did well in it at school. As you know, last year he was struggling to find his feet. We all felt he needed to some time, space and distance away from the life he’s known and it made absolute sense to me when he decided to take a year out from trying to work out what to do and immerse himself in Spain.

He applied for British Council positions in the Canary and Balearic islands which would have been right up his very outgoing street as you can imagine. So it wasn’t the brightest day in our house when he found he’d been awarded a school in Logroño, a small city in the north of Spain’s Rioja region. You know what it’s like when one of your children has their hopes dashed… you scrabble for the upside… “it’s the same size as Lancaster, the city you know so well and feel so comfortable in,” we told him. “Yes,” he replied, “exactly what I’m trying to get away from!”

Would he go or wouldn’t he? We weren’t sure for a while with the post-Brexit costs of getting a visa for something like this and the ridiculous hoops you have to go through (thank goodness the Erasmus scheme will be back next year). However he’d saved for it and he decided to go ahead. He left last September and has built a happy life there, somewhat boosted by the stories of €1 wine!

With the climate there being rather similar to the north of England we decided to push a visit towards the spring. And it struck me that it would be nice for us all to go. We haven’t had a family holiday since 2022 and so the opportunity for us all to be together with my fabled “time, space and distance” recipe felt too good to miss. Thanks to the youngest we’re now back in the position of being tied to school holidays so the Easter break was the obvious time to go. And that brings me to his part in this story.

That starts back in the gloomy dark days of the winter just gone. As you know I'll do anything to transport myself to sunshine and so when a book about the Camino de Santiago popped up I bought it straightaway. The Camino passes through Logroño so it felt like an exciting taste of what was to come.

Call of the Camino

It wasn't my usual read but I found myself transported. I think it's because it's a secular telling of something that's usually only associated with being a religious journey. I'm in the mood for anything that mirrors personal challenge at the moment as I can feel myself moving towards a new phase of my life. And interwoven with the more introspective thinking was the history of Spain and lots of local colour along the way which made me feel excited about our Logroño trip.

I found it was one of those books that affects me, that I want to share with somebody. The youngest and I have always bonded over reading and I thought he'd enjoy it because he has the same love of Spain as me – and I feel we're at mirroring lifestages in a way. He's transitioning from childhood into the stage of adulthood that's full of responsibility with big choices to make. I'm stepping out of that stage of adulthood into what is almost a second childhood – but there are equally big choices to make. We're both in a state of flux.

So, long story short, he started it, was transfixed and decided that he was going to do the Camino. Those of you who've been reading Midlifechic since he was little will remember his childhood obsession with Tolkien. From the age of seven he used to tell us that one day he'd be like Bilbo Baggins leaving the shire with the same words, "I'm going on an adventure. "

And so he announced that he was going to Spain as soon as school broke up. He didn't have time to do the whole Camino but he wanted at least a taste of it so he booked a flight to Pamplona and said he'd walk to Logroño and meet us there. Here he was, very early in the morning, heading off on the journey he'd waited his whole life for… and I'm so glad that Mal thought to record the moment (I was too busy flapping as you can tell)!

As is his way there was no preparation, “I’ll buy blister plasters at the airport,” he promised me. He didn’t… and he was sorry… but this is how they learn. And here’s that little Bilbo standing in the same doorway with no idea that one day his dream would come true.

So those were the chapters of the middle one and the youngest, now onto the eldest and this story has been a long time coming! Since he and his university girlfriend went their separate ways a couple of years ago he's remained determinedly single. He was clear that he wanted to focus on his career and also spend some of the carefree time with his university friends that he'd missed through being in a relationship for his final uni year. Some of them have been sharing a flat together and just about all of them live in London so for a while now his tales have been all about rugby and cricket and football, drinks by the river and boat parties on the Thames.

But as long ago as last spring we started to hear the name of one young lady coming up in conversation – a lot – and always with a smile. We kept asking if she was his girlfriend but those of you with young adults in your lives will know that it isn't as simple as that. Do you remember how straightforward it was when we were in our teens and 20s? How if you had a slow dance at the disco and then shared a bag of chips on the way home you were boyfriend and girlfriend? Well not any more. Now there's 'texting' and then 'chatting' and then 'talking' and then 'seeing each other' and then you're 'exclusive' and then finally one of you asks the other to be 'official' – with the same level of gravity that we used to have behind a marriage proposal.

So all of this has been going on and to be fair to them it was a bit complicated because she was a client of the agency that he works for – and specifically on some of his accounts. It meant that they had to declare their budding relationship to their employers before anybody else could know (it's a very different world to the one of our 20s). Anyway last autumn we got there, he rather bashfully told us that they were boyfriend and girlfriend and said, "actually Mum there's something a bit weird I have to tell you. You see you've already chatted to her mum a few times… because she's a longstanding Midlifechic reader!"

So now we need to rewind to 2018 (I warned you this was a tapestry with a lot of workings). Once again long time readers will remember when the middle one was going to auditions for drama school and university drama courses. I was writing about the pressure of it on here and one day a reader got in touch to tell me that her daughter was doing a Musical Theatre course. She explained that her girl had produced a series of YouTube videos to help prospective students with their applications and she very kindly asked me if I'd like her daughter to send me the links… which she did. So there were the middle one and I, back in the spring of 2018, standing in the kitchen, eagerly watching this lovely young girl on YouTube – never imagining that one day she would be a part of our lives!

Of course the eldest knew that with her being a reader's (and therefore a thinking woman's) daughter she'd shoot up the ranking without even meeting her. Which we did, very briefly, on our way to a party in London before Christmas but it was only for an hour so I was thrilled when they said they were coming up for Easter weekend. It was one of those very rare occasions when neither of the other two would be around and so we'd really have a chance to get to know each other.

It must have been a bit daunting for her knowing that she was going to spend a full week with us. And then, just before they were due to come up, the eldest found he had to 'pop' over to LA for two nights to oversee a campaign that was being filmed around a basketball game out there. Here he is, caught behind the commentator on the Jumbotron.

On the day they were due to travel up he'd landed back in London at 10am, done a full day's work in the office and then they'd had the long train journey north (I think he'd drooled on her shoulder the whole way!) So let me introduce the latest member of our gang (and animals are good readers of souls don't you think?)

It’s nice to have a new girl in our group. It’s been all change again because the middle one and the sweet Newcastle girl that he’s been with since uni have spent more time apart than together so they’ve recently decided that their long distance relationship has run its course. Nobody seems to take account of the fact that it’s hard for parents too when these decisions are made. You don’t even have a chance to say goodbye to the person who’s been integral to your family life, holidays and celebrations for so long.

Anyway we spent Easter weekend relaxing and chatting, apart from an emergency dash to A&E when the eldest bit into an Easter biscuit that had nuts in it despite there being no signs in the cafe. The mild allergy that he’s had since he was little is getting worse because of repeated exposures like this so the result is that he now has to carry an epipen.

On Easter Monday the sun finally came out so we went on one of our favourite Lake District walks.

While we were there this popped up in my iPhoto memories showing that we’d been in the same spot exactly ten years before so we had to recreate it.

Despite living where we do walking isn’t Mal’s or my favourite pastime but this is a good route because it starts and ends with cake and has a pub at the halfway point!

Breton (now in the sale); Jeans; Jacket (this year’s version); Scarf; Converse walking boots (past season)

So that was our Easter weekend.

Meanwhile, over in Spain the youngest was happily sending us photos of his Camino adventure and loving every minute of it. Here he was at the point where you’re supposed to offload your troubles, I knew he had something weighing on his mind so I was hoping he’d let the walk do its work.

And that brings us back around to the middle one who, as you know, was the whole focus of our journey. A month before we were due to go over to see him he mentioned that he’d be away from the Friday to the Monday of the Easter weekend, meeting up with his university buddies in Benidorm. He assured us that he would, of course, be back in plenty of time for our arrival on the Tuesday.

And then on Monday… sigh…

I woke to the eldest telling me that I’d better check the family chat. It transpired that middle boy’s phone hadn’t charged properly… and so his alarm hadn’t gone off… meaning that he’d missed the bus… that would take him to the tram… that would take him to the airport… and the plane… that would take him to another coach back to Logroño. And of course he’d spent all his money with his friends so he was stranded on a beach in Benidorm.

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing (and a certain amount of blustering from his dad) he discovered that there was actually an overnight coach that would take him straight back to Logroño at the same time as we were travelling in that direction to meet him. He would arrive into the bus station at 5am, shower, go straight to work and then meet us without looking tired (he was told in no uncertain terms!)

And to be fair to him he did. We were weary too because we’d had a brutal 2.30am start to get to the airport for our flight to Bilbao. And yet despite his 100 mile walk the youngest was still bouncing around – none of the leopards in our family change their spots.

In the run up to our time away I’d gone into mum mode, worrying that there wouldn’t be enough to keep everyone occupied in such a small city. We did a history walk but after that we spent the rest of our days sitting in the sunshine chatting and playing cards.

We stayed in a fantastic Airbnb which I’d highly recommend both for its comfort and its central location. The wine truly is €1 for a glass of very nice rioja and Logroño is famous for its tapas bars which are all situated together in what is known as the Pintxo crawl.

Each bar specialises in a particular dish so you move from one to another throughout the evening and they’re by far the best tapas I’ve ever tasted.

The wild mushrooms I’m eating here, dripping in garlic butter, are a local speciality.

Sézane t-shirt (SS25)

We drove out to the pretty little town of Viana which is nearby. The views in this part of Spain are exhilarating and the landscape made me think of Don Quijote. Mal took these photos while we were there because he said that once again nothing changes – the eldest and I always insist on reading everything and researching the history, wherever we go.

And this might sound mad but there’s something about walking behind your adult children that always gets to me. I think it’s the symbolism of the fact that they’re no longer following you.

I didn’t take many outfit photos but this was my new holiday dress – I’ve been looking for one in this shade of blue for the last few summers and I’m so glad one’s come along because I know it’ll work as well at home as abroad.

Cheesecloth dress (selling fast)

We spent a night with the boy’s very international group of friends. One of them gives food tours of Logroño so we were in great company. It’s such a lovely little city – a great place to choose if you’re looking to get off the beaten track and just lose yourself in provincial Spanish life for a few days.

You know the saying that you’re only as happy as your unhappiest child? Well just here I had the deep satisfaction of knowing that all of my children are happy, that they’re living their lives to the absolute fullest. It’s going to change because the middle one’s time in Spain ends in June and he’ll be coming home. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do but the right thing will find him, he has so much to give. For a while though it’s going to feel challenging for him (and us maybe).

But the whole trip reminded me once again of how much fun you can have with your young adults and I really do think that the paradigm of time, space and distance applies to any relationship. When you’re all away from your usual place on equal terms it gives you a chance to see each other afresh without anybody falling into their ‘home roles.’

As mums of young adults it’s easy to feel that they’re leaving you behind; sometimes it feels like ecdysis – you’re the snake skin that they’ve wriggled out of as they slide into a life that you’ll never completely be a part of. And then something like this happens which helps you to realise that your children continue to be your children and carry your influences with them throughout their lives. For me it was quietly touching to see that even though they’re all out in their own worlds now, each one of them has been shaped a little by their early lives and the interests I kindled in them… the draw towards Spain… the love of books… the fascination with history…

And when one of them is deeply connected to a reader’s daughter it’s a relief to know that I can trust that them to love people well. On that note, Mal suggested I point out that we have two more if there are any other nice readers’ daughters going spare… (they won’t thank us for that if they read it!)

(I know that quite a few new readers have joined us recently and apparently for years the new girl’s mum thought that I was petite, presumably because of photos like this. It’s not me, it’s them – I’m 5ft 8 and they’re big friendly giants!).

I mentioned on Instagram that I read a stat recently stating that by the time they’re 18, you’ve spent 90% of the time that you’ll ever have with your children. Times like this are rare for us these days and it felt apt that we saw this piece of street art every morning as we left our Airbnb. Because moments with the people you love are precious. And the years really do fly.

Time for another Midlifechic escape. You’ve told me that you want more opportunities to get away with the unique bunch of thinking women who read this blog so we’re working hard on developing that.

It’s taking a little while but for now I’m delighted to say that we’re planning another Midlifechic overnighter – just a summer social – you don’t have to do any hard thinking about life at this one! It’s a chance to spend some time with women who ‘get you’ and have some really good conversations. I’m trying to keep moving around the country to give people who live in far flung corners a chance to come along. So this time we’re heading to Bristol and staying at a lovely hotel in the city centre.

The date is Saturday 22nd August and there are just 23 spaces (I’m learning where the sweet spot is at these events now).

We’ll arrive at the hotel on Saturday after lunch and spend the afternoon relaxing and chatting or there’s the option to explore Bristol. Later we’ll meet for an aperitif followed by dinner with wine. Once we’ve finished eating we’ll retire to our own private bar and chat the night away. The following morning we’ll relax over breakfast together and there’s a chance to use the spa and gym facilities or just keep the conversation going over coffee until it’s time to go home.

You can find all details and book your place here – I do hope you’ll be able to join us.

I’ll just end by saying how much I enjoy being with you all, I come away with conversations somersaulting in my head. For anybody looking for adventure don’t forget that we have our Colombia trip ahead in September this year and there are still spaces if anybody would like to join us for a few days of learning salsa and exploring the Medellin region of the country – you can find it all here.

The October retreat is going ahead – there are a few places left on that too, you can find details here. And then I’m hoping to launch something else very soon, we’re just putting the finishing touches to it but it will be a trip to look forward to next spring so watch this space.

We’re heading away next week to test out a further reader trip possibility – you’ll find me on Instagram for a while. But there will still be a blog post next Friday so you won’t even know I’ve gone! Have a great week.

Disclosure: ‘The slow stitch of time’ is not a sponsored post

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