Midlife Lately – October 25

So it’s time for a Midlife Lately – October 25 and as I look through my camera roll I realise it’s been quite a while since we’ve had one because the September catch-up was all about our break in Turkey. I feel as if I have quite a lot to say but also not much. The last two months have been all about family – watching from afar as the eldest handled his first big photoshoot in Miami for the footballer Lionel Messi – here he was arriving for a very exclusive dinner at the Versace Mansion. As he told me about what turned out to be the trip of a lifetime I quietly thought back to my own trip to Miami to manage a photoshoot… and only staying for three nights because I didn’t want to leave my precious baby behind for too long!

At the time my mum was furious with me, telling me that one day I’d regret not taking the chance to stay and enjoy the good life for longer. She was right in that he doesn’t remember it at all but time is our most precious commodity. He’s so busy in his own life now that I don’t see enough of him so I’m glad I didn’t miss those days when I was the biggest star in his sky.

I’ve also been getting the middle one off to Spain which, as you know, was a sudden whirlwind of here today, gone tomorrow. And we’ve been prepping the youngest for his driving test which has been so delayed because he went to uni straight after lockdown and has never been able to get a clear run at it. It’s just impossible to get a driving instructor around here so I’ve been swotting up on what’s required and we’ve been teaching him ourselves.

And then there’s been the unexpected impact of my (young!) husband having a slipped disc. So it’s been one of those periods that we all have – of focusing on other people while still trying to do everything that the day job entails… and it’s been a really good reminder of how full-on life was in the heavy lifting days of family life. When we’re fully through this period I won’t forget to be grateful for how much lighter midlife is when everything’s going well.

Where shall I start? Let’s go chronologically with us getting off the plane on our return from Turkey. All the way back in July Mal hurt his back doing a deadlift – I knew it was bad at the time by the way he walked off the floor and abandoned our session. He took a week off strength training but refused to stop karate. Those of you who do a martial art may understand the discipline it demands ( I don’t, I think it’s madness but there you go). And so it went on with him continuing to train around his bad back for a couple of months, sticking to his old rugby mantra of ‘pain is weakness leaving the body’ and looking ahead to our week away when he’d be able to stop. And it seemed a bit better with rest… until we stepped off the plane…. and it was bad… really bad… and the next morning he could hardly walk.

Apparently this is common with flying – if you have a weak disc then a plane journey can finish it off. We now know that lots of people travel with a tennis ball so that they can sit with it pressed against the problem. I’m not going to go into any more detail, other people’s health problems are never interesting but what I do want to say is how enlightening it’s been in one way. When I did the ‘bumps in the road’ survey last year a surprising number of people said that their partner’s health had had a disappointing and unexpected impact on this stage of their life. I sympathised but it’s only when you’re living alongside someone who is suddenly limited in what they can do that you really understand.

You feel so very sorry for the person you love who’s going through it… and you feel helpless because there’s so little you can do… but what I hadn’t understood before is just how it sweeps the floor from under your feet too. When they can’t sleep, neither can you. When every slight movement they make is agony, you flinch along with them. And when they feel grumpy and frustrated, you’re the main person they’re ‘expressing’ it to. When they can’t drive, you have to take over. When they can’t bend in any way, you have to do every task that bending would involve. Everything falls on the shoulders of the person who is caring. Logically you’ve always known that… but it’s only when you’re living through it that you see how it impacts every single moment. There have been quite a few days over the last two months when the vows ‘for better and for worse, in sickness and in health’ have gone round and round in my head as an incantation.

I’m so lucky that Mal’s situation is temporary – his pain is now under control thanks to a panoply of different painkillers and he’s slowly getting better. However I really, really feel for those of you living with partners who have long term conditions. Not only their life changes but yours absolutely does too even though you’re the one standing by.

It’s made me realise that we extend care and sympathy to people we know who are suffering – but so often we pay less attention to the person living alongside them. So in the snaps that you see in today’s post you’ll probably see me looking more tired than usual but actually I can’t tell you how grateful I am, in a way, for this episode. It’s made me appreciate the simplicity of everyday ‘well’ life so much more. I think the upside of the tough things we all go through is that they help us to evolve. I’ll now always spend a little more time talking to somebody who says they’re supporting someone who’s sick – not just asking about the prognosis as I would have done before but trying to find out how they’re coping too.

It feels as though this year has been the one where I’ve had to start accepting that our bodies are growing older – I talked about it last week when I acknowledged the impact of very late nights. I’m also realising that the days of beasting your body at the gym come to an end because there’s a point where it starts to be injured more often than snapping back. I’ve had a few different gym-related injuries too this year and I guess it’s time to embrace a more intelligent approach to ageing well physically by working with my body rather than against it. I’m not going to stop my strength training but I’m going to start working with a PT who specialises in the over 50s rather than the lovely but unrelenting youngsters I’ve always trained with.

So September and October haven’t been the best months of the year – but there was one thing that kept us smiling. At Mal’s physio appointments when there seemed to be an endless list of ‘things that must not be attempted’ there was one that got the green light… dancing! We haven’t been able to go to salsa classes but disco dancing was seen as a good thing because it involves ‘gentle swaying’. I resisted pointing out to the physio that he’d clearly never seen Mal on the dance floor and just went with it!

Let’s crack on with a chat through some of the random autumn moments we captured, most of them pretty ordinary but here we go.

This gives some of you a little glimpse of where we’ll be for the Midlifechic Retreats next year.

We went over to the hotel to start discussing the details, working out which rooms we wanted to use for the daytime sessions and this is my favourite one. It’ll feel so cosy when we’re working (and playing) away in there… and I do feel as if I could slot quite easily into a manorial life like this…

Me+Em dress (SS19); M&S shoes (AW18)

For those of you who are sitting patiently on the waiting list we’re trying to schedule another one but we’re being a bit scuppered by wedding season – this venue is booked out for spring and summer for years to come but we’re working on another plan.

This was nothing more exciting than popping out to the village pub. Mal’s been finding it easier to stand than sit so being in the house hasn’t been very relaxing for him and at least standing up in a pub doesn’t look daft. We so rarely go out like this when we’re at home because we see it as the place where we work and rest but it’s always nice to chat to people we’ve got to know in the village over the years.

Boden jacket (AW24); Boden satin blouse (AW24); Me+Em jeans (AW23); Hush gold boots (AW17)

I was feeling a bit odd here because we had to be in Newcastle for work but it was the day that the middle one was heading off to Spain. I’d really wanted to take him to the airport but when his visa came so suddenly and he decided to go the very next day there was no way I could change things in time.

Mango jumper (AW21); Patent skirt; Boden boots (AW24)

I know I shouldn’t worry but it was the first time he’d travelled alone and he can be a bit scatty. The journey to Logroño was circuitous and it involved a night in a bit of a dodgy hostel in Madrid staying in a shared dorm with all of his stuff (you know – the essentials… like his Playstation!) but he survived. And the following day he arrived just in time for his British Council induction where he met the other English teaching assistants. He sent us this picture explaining that everyone had been very shy so as he was leaving he’d announced that he was going to find a bar… and to his surprise, everyone followed…

A few hours later we had enthusiastic updates… they’d discovered the first upside to being in the wine region of La Rioja… wine in the bars costs €1 for a glass… and they were enjoying it immensely! So he seems fine. The school he’s working at spans ages 4 to 18 so there’s lots of scope for him to decide if teaching is a route he’d like to take. It’s going to take longer for this one to find his feet than the other two but he has personality on his side… lots of it… and I miss him!

Another Newcastle day here. We’re spending more time over there now that we have a good place to work. In fact we have three – the lovely old theatre that I told you about, the Baltic Art Gallery next door to us and The Glasshouse Centre For Music (formerly known as The Sage) at our other side. So we can get up in the morning and decide whether we’re feeling artistic, theatrical or musical – and I can dress accordingly!

Me+Em tank top (AW22); Soft Cord Blouse; Jeans; Hobbs suede jacket (AW15); Boden boots (AW17)

Lunchtime in Newcastle – we’d based ourselves at the Baltic Gallery and the new exhibition was immersive… so here I was being immersed.

Merino Jumper; Cord Palazzos; Me+Em leather bomber (AW19); Trainers

Ah now here’s an absolute highlight – of the year not just the last couple of months. It was Mal’s birthday and I’d booked to see a band we love who just happened to be doing an intimate gig in Newcastle that evening before a much bigger event at the Jazz Cafe in London that weekend. Luckily there were tables with bar stools so he was able to stand/half hover when he needed to and of course we now know that dancing is medicine so it was good to be on the edge of the stage.

I want to tell you about this band because they’re a group of superb midlifers who are building an enthusiastic following. They were formed by Jan Kincaid who founded the Brand New Heavies along with Dawn Joseph. They met when Dawn came to the Brand New Heavies as lead singer after a spell supporting people like Kylie Minogue and Rick Astley. Within their first week of working together, Jan and Dawn had clicked so well that they started writing songs together and soon got to the point where they’d created too many for the Brand New Heavies to put out. So when they finished the BNH album Sweet Freaks they set out alone and formed their own funk and soul band called MF Robots.

Now I know it sounds like a terrible name but there’s a reason for it. It’s a dig at the way the current music industry turns out generic stuff for the algorithm that sounds as though it’s “Made For Robots”. I think their music is brilliant, it’s a sound I haven’t heard before and that in itself reminds me of the 70s and 80s when every band was so unique. I love the funk, soul and disco influence which means that it’s upbeat and you can dance and sing to it. Dawn is a charismatic performer, she makes her own clothes and there was a touch of burlesque to the evening as she removed layers throughout the show to reveal what she’d made underneath.

It was such a brilliant, intimate event and she told us stories all the way through. It isn’t easy launching a band like this in midlife so I was hoping you might all just listen to one of their songs. Imagine what we could do for them if all 48,000 of us listened to them (and gave them a like) in one weekend – I’ll add a link in a minute.

At the end of the show she came out and relaxed with everyone – she’s such an inspiring midlife woman, down to earth and full of warmth and hope.

I love so many of their songs that it’s been hard to choose which one to introduce them with (Midlifechic DJ moment – who knew!). Anyway I’m going with their latest single because it’s so joyful. Don’t abandon it until you get to the chorus – and you perhaps need to listen to it twice to get used to their sound but then I’m confident that it’ll give you joy all weekend. I love being able to support other midlife women who are putting their hearts and souls into something they believe in – if you play the song it will make what I do here worth something. And of course if you like them then please follow them on Spotify or however else you get your music.

Other good music events we’ve been to over the last couple of months (but sadly don’t have photos of because we were too busy having fun) include Chic & Nile Rodgers at the Piece Hall – superb as always. Trevor Nelson’s Soul Nation – also superb. And last Friday’s night out was to Discos For Grown-Ups which was ok but they cycled rigidly though the 70s, 80s and 90s giving each era a 45 minute slot which was really annoying, it’s so weird when a DJ doesn’t mix things up.

Moving on… all the glamour of a food shop… albeit an M&S food shop. Actually I hesitate to say it but I’m increasingly thinking that M&S food isn’t as good as it used to be. We only shop there when we’re in Newcastle, it’s the most convenient place because the flat is right in the city centre and we’re always looking for quick solutions rather than lots of cooking when we’re there. I so often end up feeling that what is always an expensive shop is almost always disappointing. I really don’t like the bread or their cakes, the ready meals just aren’t what you think they’re going to be, the tinned cocktails are sickly and the fruit goes off really quickly – much faster than Sainsbury’s (and I realise that this is a real first world problem and possibly one of the most boring things I’ve written about but I warned you life hasn’t been exciting recently!).

By the way, following on from the discussion about barrel jeans in the comments after last week’s post, I’m with you, they’re difficult. The thing is that it’s hard to find good looking jeans that don’t drag on the floor in winter. I have slim crops that felt fine until I put them on this season and suddenly they don’t – when I catch my reflection they look frumpy. The ones that I showed you last week along with these ‘slim barrels’ that have a cult following and sell out as soon as they come in are the only ones I’ve been able to make work on my frame. Even then I prefer them with a boot rather than trainers because it makes up visually for my shorter legs.

ASOS jumper (AW18); Slim barrel jeans; Boden jacket (AW24); Arket boots (AW23)

This is actually a beautiful old pub voted Newcastle’s ‘most impressive watering hole’ by The Observer – and there are a LOT of watering holes in the party city. We stopped off there for a quick coffee because we hadn’t been in for a while. It’s a bustling spot at the station and in days of yore it was the First Class lounge. It now has Grade 1 listed status and the old Victorian tiles were recently valued at over £38 million – worth dropping in if you’re arriving or departing by train.

Jumper (gifted AW25)

Another work moment – heading off for a day in London. I try to walk everywhere when I’m down there so I’m glad that trainers are accepted in the world of retail now, I couldn’t do it in heels. However much the fashion editors insist that there’s a complete return to shoes this season I’d say that it’s only penetrating at about a 30% rate. Most people are still wearing brightly coloured trainers.

Jacket (gifted AW25); IdLF at Uniqlo shirt (AW17); Me+Em clean jeans (AW23); Trainers; Pearl hoops (gifted AW24)

You can guess where we were going here – to watch the match. It feels as though the only time they win at the moment is when we don’t go so maybe we should stay away. It was always the same when the eldest was playing rugby – he used to score a try whenever I wasn’t watching on the sidelines! I took this for the family WhatsApp to show that we were heading up to the fanzone… once I’d finished shopping…

3 stripes high neck top; Me+Em jeans (AW22); Cow trainers

This is my favourite football outfit so far – it has the black and white of Newcastle without any branding so I can wear the tops for other things too. Mal was surprisingly delighted to see me in black and white – a colour combo that I usually leave to him. I keep telling him that I should’ve married someone from a city that wears my beloved red… Liverpool or Manchester maybe!

3 stripes jacket; 3 stripes high neck top; Me+Em jeans (AW22); Cow trainers

A simple Sunday here, popping out to get the newspapers before curling up with them at home. The fog was thick on The Tyne and it was one of those lovely, cosy autumn afternoons where you sit with the lamps on and ignore the weather outside.

Boden jacket (AW24); Boden jumper (SS22); Slim barrel jeans – some stock here as I type; Arket silver boots (AW23)

For the people who felt the Boden brown velvet trousers were too pricey, these are a great alternative if you can catch them in stock. They’re replenished regularly, you just have to keep an eye on them. They’re wide leg patch pocket cords and I really like them, the cord is better quality than it was last year when I ended up returning the ones I’d bought because they were just too flimsy and thin. They do come up short though – there are four lengths available, I’m wearing a long here with flat trainers and they’re just right.

Brown patch pocket cords; brushed cashmere cardigan (gifted AW25); cow print trainers; Me+Em layering blouse (AW 17)

Here’s yet another bounty that comes with our apartment – the Barbour factory is only a 15 minute drive away and next to the factory is the factory shop. It’s always an interesting place to pop into, sometimes you find an absolute bargain, others you don’t. I’ve mentioned before that I absolutely love these new jackets and I was very tempted but when it rains up here you need to completely cover up… so I very reluctantly put it back on the rail.

Waxed jacket with oversized brass trim

And obviously I wouldn’t usually style it with a mini-skirt and heeled boots, that was just what I was wearing when we were out shopping. By the way contrary to the reviews I really rate this jumper, it’s well priced for 100% merino wool –  but I ended up sizing down to an XS to get the right fit.

Merino jumper; Cord mini-skirt; M&S Pirate boots (sold out – gifted AW25)

This is getting long now so I’ll draw it to a close with a lovely afternoon that went on into the evening. Twice a year Newcastle holds a cocktail week where most bars and restaurants come up with a signature cocktail for £5, all you have to do is buy a wristband to access them. Lots of them are brightly coloured, sickly sweet and very much to be avoided so you have to be selective about where you go. The one at Malmaison was based on a smoky Mezcal so it was quite unusual…

Boden faux fur jacket (AW22); Zara satin top; Me+Em jeans (AW23); Trainers

It’s one of those events that gets everybody out and we met up with lots of people as we tried the bars we’d pinpointed. We had a chat with a cousin that we usually only see at funerals and then we bumped into one of our sisters-in-law, Julie. Those of you who’ve been reading for a long time may remember when Mal’s oldest brother Marty died very suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack while he was gardening in 2018. As if that wasn’t enough, a couple of weeks later Julie’s mum and dad were diagnosed with Dementia and Parkinson’s so she’s been caring for them as well as working as a psychiatric nurse and bringing up their daughter. She has very little free time and we don’t see enough of her so it was great to find that her friends had persuaded her to go out.

Of course it made our sciatica weeks feel very insignificant indeed. Her stoicism and determination to keep on despite everything life’s thrown at her always take my breath away. Our very beautiful niece has just qualified as a nurse and she’s a credit to both her mum and dad. I’m deliberately ending with these pictures because seeing Julie once again underpinned how midlife can be railroaded by events that happen to your partner.

Although she’s still continuing to grieve deeply for Marty I’ve never once heard her feel sorry for herself. She’s been determined to keep on loving the people close to her and living her life as much as she’s able to with the caring responsibilities she has. I do hope that when she gets to the other side of it all, the universe deals her a big fat hand of good luck.

So that’s Midlife Lately – October 25, I’m rushing as usual because I’m organising a school reunion tomorrow night and I need to finalise the details. It’s a bit of a smaller one this time, only 30 of us are getting together but it’s going to be heartwarming to be back with the people I’ve known since I was eleven and maintained a bond with, even though we only catch up every few years. Next week’s post is going to be a bit different, it’s one of those thought ones  – I want to have a midlife chat with you before we head into the madness of Christmas prep. So I’ve warned you – you may need to fill the kettle in preparation because I’ve a feeling it might be a long one!

Disclosure: ‘Midlife Lately – October 25’ is not a sponsored post

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